Starting today....forgetting yesterday!

February 4, 2008

I am starting a totally new blog on today. I have to. My experience with blogging and journaling has been positive and negative. Mostly, I had been writing about the drama in my life, and then I would find myself re-reading it and getting all upset all over again. Re-living the past, living in the past, trying to reclaim the past, and hold on to the past does nothing for your present or your future.

I have had tons of serious issues. All of them WILL be resolved sooner or later, but all in all they are all attributed to my past hurts, pain, and willingness to be loved. I just finished reading the book The Secret and it has really given me a different insight on my life and the way I have lived it. Especially for the past 2 years. I have always been a giver, a people pleaser, and wanted people to like me. So much so that I have sacrificed my personal happiness to make sure that I was making everyone around me happy. Doing this has made me drained, physically, emotionally, mentally, and any of ly that can be encompassed in that emotion.

The book is basically one showing you what you focus your energy on is what you will have manifest in your life. All I know is that I want peace in my life. It has been too chaotic, too eventful, too hateful, too negative. I have been chasing this dream that I want, but it has been making me miserable. Even writing this now is making me want to cry and I feel my eyes filling up with tears. I feel like I have failed my family. I have a son, whom I love, but I don't love him totally like I should. I feel empty. I long for completion and have been looking and searching for it in the wrong places. I've been wanting others to validate my being, to tell me I'm cute, to tell me I'm all that, to say "Damn, I want what Morgan has." When it doesn't happen, I get flustered and upset and explode! I haven't been giving PJ all the attention that a mother should give her son. I've been mean to him. I've wanted him to go away. I've felt like he has complicated my life. I get upset because I feel alone and raising him alone. I don't know how to cope with it. I get mad, sad, anxious, forceful, upset, and a bunch of other emotions rolled up into this being called Morgan. I've allowed the lack of people in my life, the halt in my career, and the things I don't want to consume me. What happened? How did I get like this? What is it?

Ironically, I'm listening to my iPod and Keyshia Cole "Let it Go" just came on. I really needed to hear this song right now. I need to LOVE Morgan! Not halfway either, ALL THE WAY!

So starting today, I'm going to stop living in the past. I'm going to think positive things. Direct my thoughts towards love and prosperity. Towards happiness. Towards having those in my life who really love me and who I can truly love. Not for the wrong reasons. For all the right reasons. Not attempting to make others befriend me and like me with material things. Not caring about the relationship that PJ has with his father. I can't change someone else. I can't change their life. I can't do anything but live MY best life and hope that others will do the same for themselves.

Here's to the start of a new ME!

Loving Morgan for Morgan!